im holdin on tryin to be somebody

When will my eyes turn their site
stop searchin in my past
and make a future path
just want to move forward
not back
i just want to be forgiven
i just want to keep liven...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9G_nrUySJ0&feature=relmfu

RANT BITCH RANT

ALL this talk is makin me dizzy...
people talk so much they cant see where they're walking...
right in to a wall of self doubt,self loathing and depression.
they hide behind their false identities that they have squandered from their short time on this earth.
They have not yet felt the human power of will and perseverance.
the magic of self acceptance.
they crumble and quake at the site of a free people...
They fear what they see in the mirror, they fear what they see outside.
They attack those legit few who have a glimmer of hope.
the power of self awareness, self worth and self love.
they fear those who they cannot relate too.

ex:
Why is she so happy- everyone hates her?
Why dont we see her anymore- i bet shes scared of us.
im gonna tell stories i made up or restrung the words of, to make myself feel better.
because if i put her down- i am above her.
^
this is me.
im speaking out as an example.
an example to myself.
where i used to squeam and squirm away from facing my biggest fear...
me.
i now quake at the site of the light that shines through my heart and soul and blinds me in my reflection.
its glorious.
and its something i wish i could share with you all.
but sadly for most of the world.
they will forever drown in their self doubt- self pity/ and never truly experience how it feels to be free of fear.
they will never learn that to Forgive...
Is to Forgive yourself.
and to love is to love you. and you the most.

Instead they hide behind the spider webs weaved by liars and haters and discriminators.
bullies.
fear mongrels.
hateful Bogarts
where they allow themselves to absorb others insecurities.
and nest in their sess pool of impurity.
false or forced "perfection"
following along to feel accepted.
because they cant accept themselves.
drowning themselves.
deep
so deep that eventually they assimilate
in to one mass conglomerate (think the Borg- StarTrek... google it dink.)
of utterly and completely
selfish- miserable- zombies.
...




SO i guess...
suck it haters.
ur a sad case of bad blues tunes.
buy your booze
buy your drugs
your material goods
your fancy houses, gizmos n gadgets.
you will never be happy if you continue to lie to yourself like this.
hide behind  your masks.
and i hope your spine shivers when you see how far I've come.
And that the view from my behind still looks this hot,
As you watch me walking into the metaphorical sunrise,
of my open mind.

my life is a circus, and i'm not laughing. 

seeking a shallow spot, away from the lime light,

one where i can slip away to think,but still sneak a peek at the world from your view.

Misfortune, of mine; how you are so abundant. 

You run rampant on my world.

And take nest within my soul.

why can't we break things off, and bask in the sunshine.

i want to take baby steps, that are more like wide leaps. 

over the stages, pot holes, the trip ups of this internal grief.

why me? i ask. what have i done? 

to turn into this shady mind, that turns and turns then runs.

i wish i could figure out just how to fight.

but instead i keep thinking when day turns to night. 

i just wanna win this war. i just want some peace. 

but then if i really did find it... 

would i still be me?

sittin lookin pretty. 

in love with the enemy. 

fates got the best of me.

the truth is so heavenly. 

breaks out the ketamine. 

invests in a lucid dream. 

finds out its not what it seems. 

breathes.

frustrated

why me?
why not you?
hold up rewind it,
let me reassign it,
let the beat bind it,
break it down, refine it.
why- when i'm walking to the store,
the rain it starts to poor,
nevermind the bore,
but really,
why- when i'm talkin to a guy,
i get caught in a lie,
the things he wanna try,
they make me wanna cry,
why- when i wanna get an education,
i lack the motivation,
cause i ain't got the bacon,
people of the street what i'm sayin,
why- when i want to get a job,
i'm put out like a slob,
left feeling like a knob,
forcin me to trick and rob,
why- when i really wanna smile,
i'm left at the aisle,
mascara runnin wild,
he leavin in denile,
cheatin lyin beatin all the while.
 
why does it seem,
its always happening to me,
the things you see on the big screen,
the epic fall from fame,
down the walk of shame,
and when i try to go on,
people yellin and they yawn,
tell me i got my stories all wrong,
why- why must you lie-
you cheat and you cry,
you make me wanna die-
why?
cuz you be,
stressin me,
incessantly,
when i can only be,
the best of my ability,
workin hard at what i got,
dodgin all your shots,
almost, maybe, well u know i forgot,
about. me.

Can't Bee Queen

don't stand so close to me,

don't be the air I breathe,
because not before too long,
i will surely flee,
don't make an even field,
to play games with me,
i'm not ready for love,
i just want to be free,
i like going through the motions,
but then I'll turn a cheek,
cause letting you in, is admitting i'm A FreAk,
don't want you on my arm,
don't want you every night,
just when it's late, cold, no lights,
i am not trying to play your strings,
but i am not too keen,
on swaying my mystique,
i live among the spiders,
the cobwebs of my closet,
the hurts of my heart,
I try to give you everything,
but keep it all the same,
i want to make you feel good,
but i end up feeling lame,
because i know your happy,
and lying is my mistake.

Ting Skinny Jeans and Bing.

Now let me introduce to you,
the epitomy of a lovely crew,
there's just three,
but thats how we do,
rollin up with me,
now u got some proof,
three of the illest bitchesssss,

now lemme tell u bout Ting,
she's so sweet she'll make you sing,
she got a swagga so large,
it'll make you cream,
she break it down real low,
She naughty, real mean,
she back me up in a fight,
the bark to my bite,
she twist it up,
pass the dutchie,
real tighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht!  all day - errynight

Now i move on to ma skinny jeans,
she break you off a piece,
and you won't eva wanna get clean,
she control the floor,
cuz dancin's her score,
get in the way,
she'll be comin back for more,
Cuz she like, "Why spend mine, when  I can spend yours?"
But don't mistake her for a trick bitch,
this goes bananas, SHIIIITTTT,
Apes cant even size up to her glare,
she'll collect the championship belt in her -undawearrrrrr.

Now this next one is easy,
Do i really need to tell you who Queen Bee?
No i dont, but i enjoy reinforcing,
my lyrical genius,
all over your metaphorical penis,
I may be a queen but, here im Bing,
steppin, and reppin,
bring up the bass when i walk in,
beef follows me like i ate it for din,
but im too busy,
lookin real nice, flirty,
show you how i werk,
im double the trouble,
i got dem boyz circle jerkin!
u say your bitch bad?
this bitch do shit that yo bitch wish she could. i
m so bad, im so hood, 
yo bitch on the ground,
and im feedin her some wood!
no wood pecka,
could eva step UP, NEVA,
break it down cleva,
with my boo's of a featha,
high top kicks,
and that real slick leatha,
Heatin up this Otown weatha!
 

Mid Day Toker

it beeats me... im just tokin ma rollie, bakin ma dreams, floating, and floating, busting at the seams, levitate into the sun, and im done... head up in the clouds, lost in a sky of sounds, breathless, hot mess, deep stress, floatin, floatin, and im gone.
carry on,
carry on,
strung out
off my rocker
straight up insane!
breakin the rules
breakin ur game.
i fly free,
anti-gravity,
blowin smoke rings,
restin on a marshmellow,
relaxin' my mind,
to the dj,  nero.

Girl

free bird, 

and a loaded gun, 

falling backwards, 

on the run,

brave of heart, 

and a smile so young

 fleeing the pain that stung

 

draped in lace

and bound with leather

breaking away 

from these birds

and their feathers.

 

break away,

bust a move,

run, and run,

and run until its true,

 

you know i never thought I'd end up like you

 

 i don't even know what i'm running from.

But I know it's damn close,

and I'm being blinded by the sun.

 

Let them lurk,

let them jerk,

let them sputter til they cum.

Breakin free,

A little bird,

And a bottle of rum,

just a girl,

and the road,

and i continue to run.

Stand up,

take a  bow,

pop bottles,

shake it on the crowd.

 the radio gets so old,

and my heart it feels so cold,

just a girl,

and the world,

and a war to be won.

brick heart,
cheese grater,
ravaged beyond repair,
20 cent candy
never let another in
never ever love again
never trust a lovers eyes,
marble hard and cold
emptiness in almond framing
the salty liquid stings
and i let go.

...

and i have one that tangos with white devils,

and haggles with hells angels 

and she cant seem to be locked up

she creeps up on me in the night

under sparkling lights

and wraps her noose of forever

around my throat

and im down for whatever.

another pill, another smoke, 

another puff another pass,

another elleviation of the past,

a regression 

a real back and forwards joke,

dance in the lights,

by the speakers pumpin bass,

and with quickness you get laced,

and you breathe unevenly,

and your hands start to shake,

this is all cuz you caked,

and now the musics turning off,

no, no more one more song,

and you gotta walk alone,

into your lonely home,

and you think " i shudda known'

thats the life of a drone.

happy go lucky little diddy that i sung today

sometimes, when i look in to my puppy's eyes,
i can see, a different life
a whole new world,
just in his eyes,

makes me wanna cry,
but really, i just think im losin my mind,
slowly,
slowly in time...

sometimes, when i look in to my puppy's eyes,
i feel the warmth,
like there is zest to life,
just in his eyes,

makes me wanna cry,
but really, i just think im losin my mind,
slowly,
slowly in time...



why,
why do people lie?
why do people lie?
x5
tell me,
why?

Rap- with beat!

AND YOU KNOW HATE WHEN YOU SEE ME SMILE
you spit, you shit,and you fucken lie
i bet you'd cry if i ever was to die,
cuz your toy would be in the fucken ground.
yeah, you always tryin knock me down
you can't relax when you know that im around
my business it pumps the blood in your veins
my weakness, you breathe that in,  im prey
drivin me insane,
breakin me down
no fuckin way
you dare me
you test me,
you deep throat, digest me
you suck and you choke on
this shit that i wrote
that i said on your facebook
"she's crazy"
"she's mad shook"
you fakers
you talkers
you lowlife night walkers
you crawl to the music
the story's diluted,
you can't even face me
man up, embrace me,
you're sorry,
you love me,
you want to befriend me,
wake up,
your obsessing.
its not what your friends think,
its not what you tell me,
you don't even know me,
there's no time for weakness
no bullshit "discreetness"
you don't know
you won't know,
so fuck take a breath please,
you continue to test me,
just watch where your head be.

poem- added late

for fear of failure,
or fear of mistake,
the feelings of shame,
fueling the fires of inner hate.
damn you for the torturous feelings you stir in my soul,
and the pain you breathe in to my lungs.
sucking out all the oxygen from the world i thought i could believe.
you put things into perspective, 
a perfect haze.
drowning in deception of such a ridiculing faith.
faint of heart and lost in my mind.
you welded the bars and sealed the cage.
shut me out of myself, yet locked me in.
thoughts running,
running wild, but not going anywhere.
moving slow,
but everything's so fast,
overwhelming feelings,
inflicted by my past.
every night when i'm asleep,
i sleep in a state of madness,
screaming, crying, fighting,
i think just to survive.
but only if all this wildness could just disappear,
like raindrops on a fire,
i'd breathe an easy breath tomorrow,
exhale every ounce of sorrow,
the sorrows of my soul.

The Queen Bee... da ILLEST.

got a narcissistic tendency,
no doubt you will remember me,
bass junkie bumble bee
bassin' out the enemy,
flow it twists like ketamine,
you think you've got the best a me,
break you like amphetamines,
choke you up while u digestin me,
take your breath, yeah, i don't see no death for me,
see life just aint set for me-
my wings'll fly higha then you've eva seen.
take a toke, a breath of me. now;
close your eyes indefinitely

Gangster bitch.

Alpha bitch,
ridin high,
with ma alphabet bitches,
we roll up in our caddy,
lookin real nice and pretty,
while all u honda driven hoes
flip floppin on all fours,
some confuse u for whores,
but no no,
u dont get the money,
so dont me mad at me, honey
you's a straight pill poppin ninny,
taken dick for a penny,
jugglin dudes by the plenty,
but you never really gettin any,
cuz if you would use your words,
you'd realize,
cows like u roll in a herd,
swappin spit, shit, diseases
breaken off nothin but germs,
see the difference between me and you,
well lets start at the shoe,
hows it feel on the ground,
when im talkin to you?
another one straight up!
yeah, im still talkin to you,
you dressin up all flossy,
thinkin you real bossy,
well the pricetag on ur outfit,
makes me laugh real funny,
choke down some more dick honey.
cuz u really too scuzzy,
to be actin all happy,
when you  just anotha pussy.
someone u meet in a bathroom stall,
equivalent of the hole in the wall,
yah you know, the one you stick
in your dick,
doesn't matter the out come,
cuz they dont give a shit.
now roll over
imma handle this bitch.